Blood, Sweat and Tears

Well, well, well...I am back. Seems I'm always disappearing, but I have finally made it back on here. Truth be told, it's been so long since I wrote on here that I had to guess my own password. Anyway, I can say, "A lot has happened." Fuck that. That's plain Jane and boring. You want the juicy details. I mean, why wouldn't you? The title of this blog is LITERALLY "Blood, Sweat and Tears." You'll know why I titled it that in a second.

First, let's start by saying that life is unexpected. Once again, here I go, with the cliché bullshit that soooo many people say. Fuck it, let me rant. Let's face it, who actually reads my shit anyway? Don't think too many people just casually come across my blog. I'm just a woman with a lot of opinions and loves to rant about things. I "Rave", or host "TED Talks" (as those who know me would understand). Anyway, life has thrown me one hell of a curve ball. Nothing too crazy. I didn't survive a plane crash, save a thousand monkeys from a massive fire, or eat two-hundred chicken wings in the span of 10 minutes (though those videos are oddly addictive to watch). No, I have been having some of the worst abdominal cramping of my life. After messages with doctors, going to the ER, doing MANY blood tests, sonograms, etc, they guess that I have IBS. Oh trust me, you best believe I was exhausted. Long story short, I was first told I may have appendicitis. Then I was told, "Nah, that ain't it. Your blood work says you're healthy, so go home and rest." Yeah, thanks for that doc. It was scary at some points as I had to navigate work stress, some drama in my personal life, and other things that I may or may not mention. Hey, this is the internet. Not gonna spill all my beans for the world to hear. I could get cancelled someday. Who knows!

In addition, it wasn't the best news for me to hear from my OBGYN that it's highly suggested I go back on birth control. Not gonna go into too much detail about it, but history of cervical cancer, diabetes, high blood pressure, oh yeah totally takes a toll on your body. Take care of it now and please get those vaccinations they recommend (oh, look at that, I'll probably get cancelled just for saying that). In all seriousness, obviously it was heartbreaking to hear that I had to go back on birth control when my life dream was to have my own family, be a mother. Don't get me wrong, I love being a stepmom. It's not that Disney stereotype of locking her in a tower or trapping her in a dungeon. I have a great relationship with my stepdaughter. We laugh, talk, and vibe very well. But I still dream of having kids on my own. I have faith that it'll happen someday. With the help of my OBGYN (LOVE HER) and the grace of GOD, I'm sure it will happen for me someday.

Weird how I am sitting here and really reflecting on this month, and remembering a lot of stressors in my life. Aside from my own health issues, my dog had some issues.

[Side note: if you can, get pet insurance. ER vets are expensive!]

My husband has his issues. It's difficult to find some balance in your life when you have so many things that you can't help but think about. I'm an empath, so in some ways I do this to myself. However, I really have to remember to take care of myself. I think a lot of people forget this. We focus so much on making sure everyone else is doing okay, but you never really do a check-in on yourself. Think about it. When's the last time you looked at yourself in the mirror and asked, "Are you okay?" Take this moment. Are you TRULY okay? Do not lie to yourself. Really take a breather and ask, "Am I okay?" May sound silly, but trust me when I say you really need to take a moment for yourself. I'd be blowing my fucking head off otherwise (figuratively that is...you know how messy that would be if it was literally?).

Anyway, despite all that's happened and all the stress, I am getting through it all. I have faith that things will always get better. My therapist used to say that I had an interest perspective on life, as a defense mechanism to make things easier for me to absorb. I used to have this saying, "No matter how bad things get, eventually things will get better. Life likes to balance itself out. After every fire, there will be rain. After every tear streaming down your cheeks, soon will come a smile brighter than the sun. Just wait, something better is going to come."

And with that, I think I am done with my rant for the day. Thank you for joining my TED Talk. Much love and happy fri-yay!

- Leena Ravenwood